How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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