were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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