I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
When are your genitals available?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
