I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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