Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
