I think im going to throw up on grandma
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
