My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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