I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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