READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
