It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
