Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
