I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
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You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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