i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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