I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
