The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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