thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
