Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
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just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
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where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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