I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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