She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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