I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
