do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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