I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Floor bacon is actually really good
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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