my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
