The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
