can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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