i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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