don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
