awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
