i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
