I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
