I can't breathe out the right side of my face
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
