I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
