I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
ok first of all what the fuck
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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