Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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