Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
