You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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