omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
