I cockslap morals
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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