I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
