No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
