Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
How external is "for external use only"?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
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