We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
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so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
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Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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