She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
