My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
