I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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