I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
