How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
