I just made out with a guy for $7.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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