One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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