I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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