If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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