I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
