One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Randomize
