and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
