dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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