Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
